Same Fight, Different Day: Addressing a Standoff
Do you and your partner have an issue that you are having trouble compromising on?
Do you have the same fight over and over?
You may be approaching it as a Win-Lose proposition – someone wins and someone loses. Unfortunately, in win-lose arguments, in the end, both parties lose. Sometimes we say things we can’t take back and our connection erodes.
Being Influenced: An alternative is to not try to overpower your partner, but to move with them and allow yourself to be influenced. Being influenced by your partner means being willing to change your perspective and be open to your partner’s ideas. When you can’t be influenced, you lose all power by becoming an obstacle – the big rock in the middle of the road. Being influenced allows you to have influence, leading to cooperative gain.
Identify Core Needs: Try to identify where you have an area of flexibility related to the stubborn issue. Get the facts. Ask yourself not just the WHAT of the conflict (you already know that), but also: who, when, how, how much, how often, how will it start, what’s the middle, and how will you know what’s at the end?
Ways to dig into these questions include looking past what is on the surface and to what is below. What are your core needs in relation to the issue? What do you believe about what you are fighting about? Is this related to childhood or family-of-origin trauma? Why is this important to you? Is some value or belief being threatened? Is there a deeper purpose or goal in this for you? Items commonly uncovered during this process include senses of freedom, peace, power, adventure, exploration of identity, spirituality and justice.
By lessening your grip on winning and identifying your core needs on a stubborn issue, areas of flexibility may become more apparent.
About the Author:
Frannie Hartley Horn, JD MA ALC NCC, holds a Special Membership in the Alabama State Bar and is a practicing therapist under the supervision of Carol Hollis-White, LPC-S.