Understanding Attachment Theory
If you’ve been online recently, you’ve probably seen a lot more about something called “attachment.” On social media posts, you may see people labeling themselves as “avoidant” or “anxious,” talking about the “anxious-avoidant chase,” or giving tips for people who are “anxious daters.” So, what exactly is ‘attachment’?
A Brief Summary of Attachment Theory
The term attachment comes primarily from the work of John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, who helped to develop Attachment Theory. Starting with Bowlby in the 1950s and continuing with Ainsworth in the 1970s, attachment was conceptualized and studied primarily in the context of a child’s bond with their primary caregiver (usually a mother).
In studying this bond, the researchers discovered that how a caregiver responds to a child can affect how the child relates to their caregivers and others. The early influences of a child-caregiver relationship can affect other relationships in the child’s future.
Attachment Styles
From this, Bowlby labeled three primary infant-caregiver attachment styles, with Ainsworth adding a fourth:
Ambivalent Attachment (Anxious): A child learns that they cannot consistently predict when a caregiver will return, leading to “clinging” behaviors and difficulty calming down if a caregiver leaves.
Avoidant Attachment (Avoidant): A child learns that displaying emotions and affection leads to rejection from their caregiver, so they show little or no concern when a caregiver leaves and returns.
Secure Attachment (Secure): A child learns that the caregiver will consistently meet their needs, allowing them to trust that their caregiver is a “secure base,” feeling confident enough to explore the world with the caregiver nearby.
Disorganized Attachment (Disorganized): A child learns that their caregiver can be both a source of fear and comfort (e.g., the caregiver hits the child regularly but also holds them when they cry), leaving the child confused about how to relate to their caregiver.
The Impact on Adult Relationships
So what does this have to do with the world of dating? Why has attachment become such a trendy topic?
Attachment Theory stipulates that one’s attachment in early childhood can influence how a person behaves in their adult romantic and intimate relationships. In other words, if you developed an Ambivalent Attachment style as a child, you’re likely to be an “anxious dater,” turning to clinging behaviors with your partner.
Important Reminders
However, this often gets misconstrued into identifying with one’s attachment style. Here are some important reminders:
Attachment Styles Can Change: You are not “stuck” with an Avoidant Attachment. Your behaviors and decisions can lead you toward a more secure attachment style.
Attachment Theory Is Evolving: This is the best available knowledge right now, but research is consistently evolving. Keep these ideas in mind, but always stay curious.
Attachment Is One Part of You: This is just one factor in a person’s life that can change over time. Avoid over-identifying with your attachment style; discover who you are outside of it!
Attachment Is Not the End-All-Be-All: There is so much more that goes into building a relationship, and individuals with insecure attachment styles can and do build healthy, secure relationships.
Distinction Between Attachment Styles and Disorders
As we close this post, it’s important to recognize a significant distinction: insecure attachment styles are different from attachment disorders. With our current knowledge, we know that everyone develops an attachment style, but not everyone develops an attachment disorder. Insecure attachment is NOT the same as an attachment disorder.
Final Thoughts
So, take this knowledge and get curious about yourself and others! What is your current attachment style, and what does that mean? Also, stay curious about yourself beyond your attachment style. Who you are cannot be sufficiently answered by one theory.
About the Author
Megan Roberts, Associate Licensed Counselor; Under the supervision of Melissa Scott, LPC-S
Megan Roberts is a compassionate, client-centered therapist dedicated to helping people embrace their inherent worth. She primarily supports clients 18- to 22- years old, college students of any kind, LGBTQ+ individuals, and clients battling eating disorders and body image concerns. If you’re interested in working with her, click the button below!
